You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
