Well douche your snatch and let's go!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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