Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
