actually, I'm a sock model
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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