If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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