saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
