I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
This beer is not sobering me up at all
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Randomize
