he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
