I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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