Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
