you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize