Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
