am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
