I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My dad is sitting where you rode me
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize