Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
