drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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