A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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