just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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