Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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