He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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