How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
