So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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