You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I AM VODKA MAN
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize