I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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