He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
