Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
