we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
