her vagine was all disorganized.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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