Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
