Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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