After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
