I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
