I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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