Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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