We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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