Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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