Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
