he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
