I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
