To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
