I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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