just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
