just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize