That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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