I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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