So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
