He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
