saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
