Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
