He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
