were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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