I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
