I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
