and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize