So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
