Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
