hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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