He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
