Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
