Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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