Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
