need another drink. this is the easiest way
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
