I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
