I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
