She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
