Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
